So you wanna be a dad?

Photo by Khairul Azfar Ahmad
thepatahtumbuh.blogspot.co  

   For those about to conceive you gotta ask yourself: Do I have enough time now to do what I want?
  Whatever it is that you've always enjoyed, you may never return to it because your days will become ruled by what needs to be done and what has to be done which are both quickly trumped by what must be done (attending to: screeching for no apparent reason; relentless teething angst; potty issues; bath/no bath debates; a vomiting episode here and there; etc.).
  So what daddyhood will demand from you is a whole new relationship with time.
  When you're single you have the greatest ability to master your world of time — whether to use it wisely or not, it's your choice; to linger or to fly; to spend it in solitude; huddle with a friend; or go brush up against the populous — time was yours, all yours, with the exception of your commitments to school or work.
  That ends when you enter daddyhood.
   Fighting for 'old time' can be a vainglorious effort as both mother and daughter need attention (especially when each of them is calling you from a different room).
  No; your time is given to this tiny creature — this new half of you. It seems the child determines what your schedule is and when 'your time' will be allotted. That time will be known to you as 'nap' time or 'collapse into bed' time.
   But while you may be sleep deprived for a few years, there's no greater joy or honor than to be called "daddy." There is no greater 'time' than that spent with your child. It's amazing, challenging, joyous, frustrating, awe-inspiring and frightening. It's no wonder sleep gets compromised, just don't say I didn't warn you.

'The princess and the pea-brain'

strangecosmos.com

   Much to my horror I was recently introduced to the "classic" fairy tale, "The Princess and the Pea," and I am nearly apoplectic.
   The premise of the tale is that men, or should I say princes, desire a woman that is soooo sensitive that she can have her evening's sleep ruined by a single pea buried 20 mattresses deep. Only a "true" princess is able to sense discomfort at that level because she has such sensitive skin. This is a somehow considered a virtue.
   This pearl of wisdom is deftly hidden by two other virtues mentioned in the story such as politeness to one and all and kindness to rich and poor.
   But the story is not entitled, The Princes and Her Good Nature, no, the true test of her princess-worthiness was her keen grasp of a tiny vegetable* and bedding.
   And the prince {sheesh} is (s)mothered to death by the overbearing queen and apparently unable to think for himself, so this pusillanimous ponce actually buys into the principle that an untalented, hypersensitive female is the most desired creature on Earth and to have her will make him complete ... as in complete idiot.
   I've always had trouble with "happily ever after" scenarios as I believe they set up children to be disappointed once they become adults.
   Much better to have the crap scared out of them by a gnarly old witch who will stuff them into an oven if they don't stay on the path. It's far more realistic and if it doesn't occur in the child's life she can always consider herself fortunate and happy just to be alive.

* my wife advises me that a pea is a legume and not a vegetable

More spoiled brats, please

Verizon wireless propaganda

  Verizon is stalking our daughters.
   I don't think that makes them sex offenders, per se, but their message to girls is at least emotionally obscene.
   It's bad enough that the telecom giant accosts adults with mailers, inserts, commercials, phone calls and even door-to-door harassment, but their latest brainwashing foray targets teen and {cringe} pre-teen girls in a manner I find upsetting.
   These filthy fascists are pushing the "princess" theme hard while serving up "envy" as a virtue — like it's something worth striving for.
   The premise Verizon is dangling in front of our daughters is that a primal need of any red-blooded American girl is to make her friends feel "less than" so she can feel "more than" (perpetuating the whole self-esteem horror). Your friends will envy what you have and view you as some kind of royalty.
   Here is the text that accompanies a photo (above) of Verizon's 2011 version of that precious girl next door:
   GET EVERYTHING WIRELESS.
   BE THE ENVY OF EVERYONE.
   Elevate your lifestyle with wireless devices that put you on a digital pedestal. Choose from the best cutting-edge smartphones and tablets out there. And, with everything wireless on the network that has everything to offer, connect at the speeds your digital majesty deserves.
   Allow me to revisit the above:
   GET EVERYTHING WIRELESS.
   BE THE ENVY OF EVERYONE.
   Elevate your lifestyle with wireless devices that put you on a digital pedestal. Choose from the best cutting-edge smartphones and tablets out there. And, with everything wireless on the network that has everything to offer, connect at the speeds your digital majesty deserves.

   As if that isn't enough, the four-page foldout brochure carries the title:
BE THE CENTER OF CONNECTION.
   I'm never buying another Verizon product again.

Let me draw a picture for you

www.rukhsanakhan.com

   Well, according to The New York Times, these are the best illustrated books for children this year. I don't think they come in any particular order and we also have to remember that the newspaper was also one of the main instigators of the war in Iraq.

   Children Make Terrible Pets — A young bear finds a lost boy and attempts to train him as a pet.

   Seasons — A French artist's images about the seasons, from a single green bud to a cloud shadow on a beach.

   Shadow —  In her family's attic, a girl’s shadow play comes to life.

   Big Red Lollipop — Rubina’s first American birthday party she’s ever attended is spoiled by her little sister.

   Henry in Love — A lovesick cat courts a winsome bunny.

   A Sick Day for Amos McGee — When a zookeeper comes down with a cold the animals travel to his home to take care of him.

   Subway — A celebration of New York's underground rail system.

   Bink & Gollie — A picture book about two friends, one cheerful, fearless and messy; the other skinny, precise and arrogant.

   Busing Brewster — In the early 1970s black siblings are bused to a new school.

   Here Comes the Garbage Barge! — A simple picture book about saving the planet, a environmental primer for young readers.
  No matter what the selections, I can still see my daughter's rapt attention when we read any Dr. Seuss book. The illustrations are captivating and the rhymes are divine.

It's more 'WTF' than 'Ni Hao'

  A popular Nick Jr. show, Ni Hao, Kai Lan, unfortunately has a few troubles.
   1) The show is missing the boat on subtitles and pronunciation guides. Maybe it's because some of the Chinese words sound like vulgarities in English (Shiiiiia, for instance). Still, It would help parents and children alike if we knew precisely what it was we're supposed to be saying and what it means.
   2) While stuffed toy versions of the show's characters can be found in toy stores, I know I'm not going to be purchasing one of Kai Lan's friends: Hoho.
   I don't care about what gender the little monkey is supposed to be (and it's not quite clear), I don't want my daughter cavorting closely with anything that remotely sounds like "prostitute."
   3) Without fail one of the characters, usually Hoho, throws a hissy fit until after much discussion the bruised ego is assuaged by talking out the problem.
   Our daughter has begun to mimic the hissy fit machinations, something we have had to sternly purge from her persona. As my wife acutely points out, no Chinese mother in her right mind would try this soft approach to bad behavior.
   Other than that, the cartoon teaches the importance of listening in order to understand how someone else might feel if they are left out or different or misunderstood.
   And again we have no parents in the cartoon [much like most of what's offered on children's TV], but Kai Lan's gentle grandfather, Ye Ye, often guides the little ones through rough patches and teaches them games and skills.

Now you see it; now you can't

   Well, it appears we have reached the breaking point of technology for children. As the various entertainment platforms have been racing to make everything 3D, Nintendo has issued a warning on their 3DS games for children.
    The company is admitting that the eyesight of children under six could be harmed by 3D games played on Nintendo's new handheld console.
  Nintendo said specialists had warned of possible damage that could be caused by 3D games which present different images to the right and left eye.
   Nintendo says younger children should only play 2D versions of 3DS games.
  The top screen of the new handheld is able to show 3D images without the need for special glasses.
  The company warns parents to turn off this function if the handheld is going to be used by a child under six years of age. 
   Nintendo joins Sony and Toshiba in alerting people to the ill effects that can attend watching 3D movies or playing 3D games.
   My suggestion to the entire issue is to give your child under six a book instead of a video game .... or crayons and some paper ... or go to the park ... or take a nap ... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Steve, I love you but ...

... each episode of Blues Clues ends with a salutation to a lie —
     "You can do anything that you wanna do."
   Earnest in its appeal, buoyant in its confidence building, it is nevertheless a lie nailed into the soft heads which are mesmerized by Mr. Burns googley eyes.
   At heart, the liberal mantra is well-meaning: through hard work, help and a tad of luck, you may be able to conquer a discipline to the point that you can be crowned an expert or guru or president. But even the president does not get to do "anything" he wants to do. Because he (and before too long, she) is saddled with responsibility, just like the rest of us.
   I would contend most of the time we must do what we have to do, whether we like it or not. That is responsibility: to ourselves, to our family, to society as a whole.
   If we all felt we could "do anything that you wanna do," there would be a wreck at every intersection followed by a shoot-out and a chase. Laws would have no merit as they would impede on doing whatever it is I wanna do.
   Now I'm sure Libertarians have an answer to this one, but I'm more concerned about what my daughter hears and interprets as the truth and for this reason the popularity of Blues Clues makes me cringe, because you can't jump off a roof and fly just because you "wanna".